It's over, I've done it and life can begin again. The only excuse I can make for my noticeable absence in the blog world is an all-consuming, soul-crushing senior semester that is finally and successfully completed. My mind has been fed by everyone from Hamlet and Heaney to Braddon and Bronte but alas...the rest of me has been starved. So in the months before my loan payments begin I hope to make up for my neglect with as much food as my deserted taste buds and abandoned Visa can handle. But first, here are the past few months...
Over the course of the semester, the staples of my diet have totaled:
1. Two pounds of Everlasting Gobstoppers, mostly chewed and not savored, resulting in one small cavity.
2. No less than 400 cups coffee (this math took a very long time), an addiction fueled by Dunkin Doughnut's 'free turbo shot' offer.
3. Two BJ's twelve packs of Annie's Mac & Cheese...which, in my defense, offers unusually small serving sizes.
4. A now-confidential amount of wine, gin, etc...
Okay, so I'm not
starving starving, but the quality of food in my life has definitely taken a turn. On the plus side, I plan to promote this as a weight loss diet which will work in just a few simple steps.
Lose the freshmen fifteen! Reclaim your high school jeans! And find the inner strength to get that diploma! We at
Getyourbachelor'sorwe'lldisownyou Industries have found the secret ingredients that will unlock the skinny scholar in you. With a diet built on trimethylphenol, caffeine, dextrose, corn syrup, Yellow 6, Blue 2, and ethanol, you are mere weeks away from the 'you' you were before UMass. As a special offer, we will include an exercise regime guaranteed to burn fat!(As well as the candle at both ends) For no charge to you we will assign essays, novels, more novels, short stories, poetry, literary theory, response essays, exams, group projects and more! Don't miss out on this offer and your chance for the pale, worn, and malnourished look that is all the rage with incoming Grad students.
Side effects may include migraines, heartburn, low to non-existent social activity, spontaneous outbursts in rage/tears/happiness, and a significant increase in alcohol consumption.
It's good to be back.
